"Sexting" and cell phone use

Our next Kohl's a Minute for Kids campaign topic is "sexting" and responsible use of cell phones.

One of the big decisions parents face as their children get older is whether or not to get them a cell phone. After all, if they have a cell phone, they can stay in touch with you and their friends, you can reach them when you need them and, besides, most kids have cell phones these days. Children may start asking for a cell phone by age 10 or even younger.

Before saying "yes" to your child’s wish for a cell phone, make sure you understand the risks. One of the greatest risks is "sexting," or sending text messages with pictures of children or teens, who are naked or engaged in sexual acts.

Greg Ramey, PhD, a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s and Dayton Daily News columnist, points to sexting as one of the greatest risks of preteen and teen cell phone use. "Kids this age are totally unaware that such pictures can constitute child pornography and can result in criminal prosecution and designation as a sexual predator," he says. This can result in emotional pain for the sender, the receiver and the child in the picture.

For tips to protect your child from "sexting" and how to approach responsible cell phone usage visit our Kohl's A Minute of Kids microsite.

Talking about tough topics with your kids - where to start?

Dr. Ramey presents "Talking about tough topics with your kids - where to start?"

He will discuss how to talk to your kids about death, depression, divorce and other difficult topics.

Thursday, March 18
6:30 pm - 8:00 pm
Dayton Children's Specialty Care Center - Warren County
100 Campus Loop Road, Suite A

Located on the Atrium Medical Center campus
Get directions
Seating is limited. RSVP by March 15 to Betsy Woods or call 937-641-3619.

About Dr. Ramey
Gregory Ramey, PhD, is the vice president for outpatient services and child psychologist at Dayton Children's. Dr. Ramey writes FamilyWise, a weekly parenting column in the Dayton Daily News that is distributed through the New York Times wire service.

Dr. Ramey received his undergraduate degree from Lake Forest College in 1971, his Master’s degree from Harvard University and his Ph.D. degree in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts.

Since joining Dayton Children's in 1979, Ramey has focused on issues regarding child sexual abuse, parent-child communication, divorce and developmental and behavioral problems of young children. He also has a strong interest in the attributes of “effective parents.” He has given numerous interactive workshops on those parenting skills that seem to be related to raising productive and well-adjusted children.

Dayton Children’s Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Kids

Teach your children simple ways to make change

The New Year is already here and as your family gets ready to hit the ground running with school activities, work and busy schedules, you might have questions about how to fit in your New Year’s resolutions. The experts at Dayton Children’s offer their top ten New Year's resolutions for kids that can be easily accomplished. As parents, you should set realistic goals for your kids. Remember, small steps equal big results.

1. Eat healthier – try to eat five fruits and vegetables each day and drink no sugary drinks.
2. Get more active - spend less than two hours each day in front of the TV, computer or playing video games and get at least one hour of physical activity each day.
3. Take care of your teeth - brush your teeth twice a day. Tooth decay is the number one chronic childhood disease.
4. Be safe - make sure everybody in the car (including parents) is properly buckled in with a car seat, booster seat or seat belt.
5. Give back – help someone else in the community through volunteering, working with community groups or by joining a group that helps people in need.
6. Be kind - a smile and a kind word can go a long way. Tell your mom and dad, brothers and sisters or your friends that they are appreciated and loved. Be friendly to kids who don’t have any friends.
7. Try new things - find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (like playing tag, jumping rope, dancing or riding a bike) you like and try to do it a few times a week.
8. Protect yourself - never give out personal information such as your name, home address, school name or telephone number on the internet. Never send a picture of yourself to someone by cell phone, e-mail or the internet without your parent’s permission.
9. Lend a helping hand – pick up after yourself, put your toys away when you’re done playing with them and don’t leave your dirty clothes on the floor. Your parents are very busy and need a little help.
10. Express yourself - when you feel angry, frustrated or stressed out, take a break and find better ways to deal with these feelings, such as exercising, reading, writing in a journal or talking to your parents or a friend.

 It’s also important for parents to remember the following three things in order to provide love and support to their children all year long.

1. Talk less, listen more – children and teenagers will tune out needless words and explanations. However, every kid is different; learn how your child responds to you best. Ask open-ended questions so that you don’t get one word answers. Keep the conversation going by not interjecting your opinion immediately but rather ask them what they think first.
2. It’s not always about the QT – quality and quantity time with your children is very important. Put down the BlackBerry, turn off the TV and listen to your kids. Shorter periods of time spent each day is better than fewer longer periods of time. Talk to your kids at dinner, during car rides to school and activities or before bedtime.
3. Give praise and allow failure – give positive feedback to your kids for their efforts but remember constructive criticism is also very important in the development of your children. According to Gregory Ramey, PhD, child psychologist at Dayton Children’s, “Sometimes, failure may be the best option for your children. It teaches them personal responsibility, coping skills and persistence.”

“Remember, it’s not always about making a big change right away, but about the little steps you take to make the changes,” says Dr. Ramey.

“By teaching your children to do simple things to improve their health, become more active or learn to help others, you and your family can all be happier and healthier.”

 

What's wrong with vulgar words?

After telling my older brother to “shut up,” I immediately heard my mom yell, “Gregory, get in your room.” My mom rarely called me Gregory. I was in trouble.

“Never use that word again,” she said in her firm Italian accent. I was only about 6 years old and not smart enough to just be quiet. “Ma, what’s so wrong with saying ‘shut up’? Everyone says it,” I argued. My mom never graduated from high school and wasn’t very sophisticated. However, she had an uncanny ability to focus on what was really important.

“Gregory, can’t you think of a nicer way to get attention?” she asked.

"Shut up” seems pretty mild today. I was watching one of my favorite TV programs a few weeks ago, Clean House. The team helps families replace clutter with cleanliness by selling old items to raise money for new furniture. When someone from the show asked a father and teenage son to sell their guitar, dad and child unanimously shouted “No f*** way,” although the profanity was bleeped from the program. Even Clean House uses dirty language.

Research summarized by the Parents Television Council suggests that profanity has increased substantially over the past 10 years. Milder profanities are used more frequently, and harsher vulgarities appear to be gaining tacit acceptance. The number of expletives used in broadcast TV in 2007 was about 11,000 - almost twice that of 10 years ago. Twenty-five percent of the profanities were intense, such as the f-word, s-word or b-word. Vulgarities are no longer restricted to late evening hours, but occur during times when younger children watch television.

Maybe my mom was wrong. After all, these are just words. They don’t have any meaning other than what we assign to them. Maybe words should annoy or offend sometimes. Yesterday’s vulgarities have become today’s commonplace way to communicate anger, annoyance or aggravation. Perhaps our overreaction to these words just increases the likelihood that they will be used.

I think my mom would argue otherwise. She’d probably say that the words we use reflect who we really are. She’d probably talk about civility and courtesy, and the need to be respectful even if you feel angry or upset. While these words certainly get attention, I imagine she’d repeat her comment that there are nicer ways to get people to notice you.

Maybe we can’t have any impact on our culture, but we can exert some influence with our families and friends. I’ve worked as a coach with kids of various ages, and have set a clear expectation about what words I find offensive. I ask kids to be respectful of my values, and not use vulgar or harsh words, including “shut up,” in my presence. I’ve been amazed and pleased that kids rise to this standard and refrain from such language.

At a time when many families feel victimized by a culture that appears increasingly crude and crass, you can still encourage values of respect, courtesy and civility.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey.

Failure can be good for kids

“What can we do to prevent our son from failing in English?” asked the parents of a high school freshman. Getting an “F” in any class meant that their son would be unable to play high school sports for a semester. “Failure is not an option,” remarked the dad, repeating an inspirational quote from the Apollo 13 movie.

I met with their son Jack for an hour and then reviewed his academic record. My meeting with Jack and his parents was not what they expected.

“Failure is the best option for your son,” I declared. There was an uneasy silence in the room. My recommendation went against every instinct of these dedicated parents and was incomprehensible to their overprotected son.

Isn’t our job as parents to protect our kids from harm? We do everything we can to ensure our children’s physical health, having them wear seat belts in cars, exercise on padded surfaces at playgrounds, and send them to school with bottles of hand sanitizer.

Shouldn’t we be just as concerned about our kids’ psychological health as we are about their physical safety?

Why is failure more important than football for Jack?

Personal responsibility. Jack’s overprotective parents have always been there for him, rescuing him from his own irresponsibility. In the real world, there is a relationship between what you do and what happens to you. Although 14-years-old, Jack has yet to learn that connection. His parents have been a buffer from life’s disappointments and rejections.

Coping skills. Life is a journey filled with occasions of great happiness interspersed with unpredictable times of frustrations, rejections, and conflict. How we navigate those tough times defines who we really are. Positive coping behaviors are critically important for our kids. Such skills include keeping a positive attitude, reaching out to friends for support, looking for creative solutions to problems, and getting enough sleep and exercise. Kids can’t learn those skills if they never have to deal with any significant rejection or disappointment. Kids who are hooked on success have a hard time with failure. These young adults may turn to drugs, alcohol, and even become depressed when dealing with frustration.

Persistence. One of the world’s greatest inventors, Thomas Edison, was also one of the greatest failures of his generation. He tested and was wrong over 6,000 times with various materials for the filament of the electric light bulb. One of Edison’s greatest attributes was his relentless persistence. “I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that won’t work,” remarked Edison.

Failing English may be the best thing for Jack’s psychological health. He’ll learn that his parents will not always be there to rescue him from his own irresponsible behavior. He may learn something about more efficient study habits. Perhaps he’ll even get excited about some of the assigned literature that he never bothered to read.

Unlike Apollo 13, failure may indeed be the best option for Jack.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey.

Questions from readers

By Gregory Ramey, PhD, child psychologist at Dayton Children's and Dayton Daily News columnist

Question:

My 3-year-old son won’t stay in his bed at night. He keeps coming into our bedroom, regardless of what I say to him. I finally threatened that the boogie man would get him if he came out of his room and this seems to be working. I hate to scare him, but I don’t know of any other way to control his behavior.

Answer:

You should never threaten a child with consequences that you can’t or don’t want to deliver. There is a much easier way to deal with this common bedtime problem. Stop talking and threatening your son and instead, immediately put him back into his own bed whenever he goes into your room. Within a week or two he will learn that his behavior is not being reinforced and will stay in his own room throughout the night.

Question:

I think my in-laws are too tough on their 5 year old granddaughter. They seem very harsh with her - sometimes screaming at her, punishing her unnecessarily, and having expectations that seem too high for such a young child. I’ve spoken to my husband about this, and he is also surprised as that is not the way he was raised. I would like to talk to my in-laws, but I don’t want to hurt the relationship with our child.

Answer:

You and your husband need to have a frank discussion with his parents. Keep your approach balanced and positive. However, be very specific about what discipline techniques you find appropriate. If they are doing things that you find seriously objectionable, then you may need to limit their contact with your daughter to times when you are present. Your daughter’s welfare comes before your in-law’s feelings.

Question:

My 10-year-old has almost a perfect life, but he still seems whiny and negative. He goes to an excellent school, has two parents who love him dearly and give him a tremendous amount of attention, and has pretty much everything he wants. Even so, it seems like whatever we do is not enough and he is always asking for more. Does it sound like he may need professional help?

Answer:

Instead of seeing a psychologist, reflect upon your parenting approach. He has many of the characteristics of a spoiled child. Some kids develop a sense of entitlement. These youngsters depend upon others to entertain them, give them things, and satisfy their every whim. They are egocentric, self-absorbed, and generally unhappy.

It may be that you are giving him too much attention, and that he feels he is the center of your universe. Decrease the number of things you are giving him. Require him to do chores, and don’t attend to his whining and complaining. Volunteer efforts through his church or school may also help change his perspective.


Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey.